Week 6 Preview

Cal City at Monee
The Monkey Butts take a drive South Side for this battle of Eastern Conference dominance. Cal City was able to bolster its already #1 ranked offense this week, picking up two top-of-the-rotation wide receivers for their rent-a-QB Kurt Warner and never-been-used TE Tony Schoeffler. This move comes just in time for a vital game with the Monkeys that could change the balance of power in the East. If their new players can solidify their weak spot at WR, the Gilas could become the team to beat. First, however, they’ll need to get past the current top dog, Monee Monkey Butts. Monee sports the best record in the league at 4-1, and have not allowed their opponents to get closer than 10pts in any of their wins. Take away the one bad week against Boston, and this team has been consistently dominant each week. While they are ranked 3rd in the power rankings, they have the 2nd best defense in the league (thanks to the Tillman, Brown, Maynard combo) and have yet to see that crazy point game from their #1 draft pick Adrian Peterson. If they can keep AP contained, the Gilas have a shot. This game is going to be a battle you’d likely see on the Animal Planet, feces might even be thrown before it’s over.
Gila Monsters by 4

Boston at Compton
It’s Beaver season in Compton. Kings fans are hungry for a win after last week’s bludgeoning dropped them to 2-3. Bad news for the Beavers, they aren’t in the back woods-- the Kings carry sawed-off shotguns and semi-automatics here. Even Compton’s owner has joined in on the intimidation this week by verbally assaulting the Boston owner in Al Davis fashion: “..this will be a murder story of a Beaver who made a wrong turn into South Central L. A., Baby.” These lucky Beavers come into Compton with a winning record despite the worst power ranking in the league. Their Stienbrenner-esque owner has pissed off nearly every other owner, has gotten bored with that and now turned on his own players, threatening to trade away two of the team’s best players (Randy Moss and Matt Forte). The Beavers may be lucky to get out of Compton alive if their horseshoe falls back out of their ass, and I get a feeling the rest of the league wouldn’t really care. The Burger Kings are not much better in terms of on-the-field performance, and are coming off a pounding from Monee last week. This team is finally starting to show its age after its hot start, having lost their last 2 games. Feasting on the Beavers might be the answer, but the way the team is playing right now, this matchup will be tough. The loser of this game might need to start planning for the funeral.
Burger Kings by 2


Carson City at Las Vegas
The Nuggets get on the bus and take a trip out to the Ranch this week to take on the Bunnies. Carson City is coming off a heartbreaking 2pt loss and are riding a 2-game losing streak. The Bunny owner does not like losing and sent a message to his ladies this week by cutting 3 players from the roster, including high profile names Joseph Addai and Roy Williams. They are looking to get more defensive, in an attempt to improve on their next to last defense that’s averaging only 36pts so far this season. It was also nice to see them trim their active punters down to 2. As the only team left with significant roster space, they are positioning themselves for a 2nd half surge, and if the West continues to be the weaker conference, this strategy might allow them to blow by their competition on route to a division championship. The Nuggets, on the other hand, are waiting for the Beavers to pass that horseshoe through their colon so they can jump on it. Vegas is now 1-4 and has the worst record in the league, despite their #5 power ranking. Offensively things are clicking, however they have the worst defense scoring less than 35pts per game, and their defense took another blow this week as EJ Henderson went on the IR. This lack of competence on defense looks to be the difference between 1-4 and at least 3-2, and the EJ Henderson injury cost them a close game last week. This game will sport similarly matched teams with their high octane offense and not much D, so the fans are in for a track meet. Expect to see lots of scoring with the lead switching hands often in the 2nd half. When the dust clears the game will be decided by less than a field goal.
Nuggets by 2


Champaign at Tempe
The Toast are looking to extend their 2-game winning streak as they head to the desert to take on the Heat. The Toast may be ranked #1 in the power rankings, but their opponents have scored over 100pts against them in 4 of the 5 games this season. The Heat, on the other hand, like to keep the scoring as low as the humidity, with 2 of their 3 wins coming when scoring less that 90pts. Both teams rely on defense to win games; Champaign boasts the #1 ranked defense and Tempe is #4. The difference in this matchup may be on offense. Westbrook may not play, and their trade with Cal City has weakened their already disappointing WR corp. To compensate for this, they went out and attempted to match 4 years on a Defensive Tackle. The Heat may be trying to win games with their defense alone, but until that group can put up 80pts by themselves their best chance may be to hope their opponents collapse of heatstroke running up and down the field in the Arizona sun.
Toast by 15